Picture this. It's Monday morning and the weekly sales meeting has just gotten underway. After updating everyone on the overall sales numbers the boss says, "Now, I have a very important announcement to make. Management has determined that from this point on we want to limit every in-person sales call to no more than 15 minutes. We live in an age of short attention spans and if you can't close 'em in 15 minutes then you should find someone else to talk to." Of course, that's an absurd scenario. Why then, is it not considered equally absurd to arbitrarily limit your sales letter to only one page? I (and thousands of other direct marketing professionals) contend that it is. More important, the proof of billions of dollars in sales convincingly refutes this "keep it to one page" hokum. Yet, just the other day after laboring to produce a finely crafted two page sales letter...the client looked at me and said, "Do you think you can get it down to one page?" Look, consider this. If you're sending a personalized letter and practicing such good techniques asa short one or two sentence opening paragraphdouble spaces between paragraphsno paragraph over 6 lines long and using an 11 or 12 point font...you've got room for, at best, only 30 - 40 lines of copy per page. Is that really enough space for you to convince your prospect or customer to get out the checkbook, or pick up the phone, or send an email and request more information? I don't think so. As a rule, if the goal of your direct mail package is to generate a sale you write as much copy as it takes. Many successful "selling" packages have sales letters that are ten or more pages long. On the other hand, if your goal is to generate a lead, in most cases you'll write less. Because you just want the reader to take the next step. But please do not do yourself the extreme disservice of arbitrarily limiting yourself to one page right from the start. So, listen carefully, and repeat after me. "There is no such thing as a sales letter that's too long. Only one that is too uninteresting, too uninvolving, too much about the product or service and too little about the prospect." Remember, interested people (pick a good list) will read everything that's interesting (good copy with loads of specific benefits) about an interesting (make it worthwhile for them to read and respond) offer. Now, let's take a look at this letter and see how it can be improved. KEY: Standard text = Original letter
(Parentheses) = Ernests critique and commentary
[Brackets] = Ernests suggested text Ms. Nicole Hunley
The Hunley Companies
Building 9, Suite 1037A
2897 W. Peach Ave.
Phoenix, AZ 85039 Dear Ms. Hunley, In order for you to better understand the service we can (Omit can. You do provide this service so there's no need for "can." It weakens the sentence.) provide, Im enclosing (No, it's already in the packet. So, "I've enclosed" is more correct.) a Brochure (no need for capitalization) a short profile of our business, and a few individual profiles of key CoursePros Training individuals. (Summary of the opening: Slow starting, lacking in warmth, nothing attention-grabbing about it. When writing your sales letter be human and conversational and remember the first thing you have to do is get the reader's attention. Plus, this sentence is 32 words, way too long for any sentence in a sales letter. Especially the opening line. Suggested rewrite:) [To give you a better understanding of our services I've enclosed the following: a brochure a brief overview of our business profiles of key CoursePros Training individuals. Yes, it's still too long. But by "bulleting" the items we've broken up the sentence into readable bites and given the piece some "eye appeal." We have successfully served a number of major entities ("Entities" is a cold, lifeless word. Suggestion:) [organizations] in the Phoenix valley. (If you or I had written this sentence, it would read something like this:) [We currently serve a number of organizations in the Phoenix valley including such leading companies as...] (And then we'd name a few because we know that specifics always out-pull generalities.) Our clientele (I suggest) [clients.] (Clients suggests real people better than does "clientele.") continue to rely on our services because we are thorough, responsive, and are sensitive to their respective goals. (Give me some specific examples of exactly what you mean by "thorough," "responsive," and "sensitive." This would be a great spot to include a couple of relevant and specific client testimonials. Please don't assume that I'm automatically going to take the time to read everything else you've enclosed in the packet. Your letter needs to give me some motivation to do that.) We are proud of the reputation we are building, knowing it is through our diligence and attention to the needs of our clientele that we are able to create a successful future. (A successful future for whom? How does this benefit me? Again, be specific. Tell me "What's in it for me?") If you have any questions or concerns (Concerns is a negative word) regarding any of this information, please do not hesitate (There's something about "please do not hesitate" that I don't like. It's too formal, too servile-sounding or something.) to contact me. (Suggested rewrite:) [So I hope you'll take a couple of minutes right now and look over the enclosed information...to learn more about how CoursePros Training can produce profitable results for your company. Then, if you have any questions or comments please give me a call.] (No, this isn't a great call to action and it probably won't make the phone ring off the hook. But, it's an improvement. In fact, this letter doesn't even have an offer of any kind. A BIG mistake. At the very least, he should work up a Special Report or White Paper to offer. Something with a provocative title along the lines of 9 Reasons Why Most Training Courses Are a Waste of Money.) We (A sales letter is a one-to-one, personal communication. Use "we" when referring to the company, "I" when referring to yourself.) appreciate the opportunity to introduce ourselves to you and look forward to meeting you. (Suggested rewrite:) [Thanks for reading my letter. I appreciate this opportunity to introduce you to CoursePros Training and look forward to meeting you.] Sincerely,
Jimmy Springs (Owner) PS (It's P.S. and it stands for Post Script.) - Visit our web site at www.sptraining.com to see more of what we can do. (The writer is smart to include a P.S. -- it's a proven response-booster. On the other hand, adding two small words to the end of the sentence would have made it much stronger. Those two words are) [for you.] (Summary: This letter needs to be longer, with many more specific, selling details that compel me to look at the rest of the information. Relying on the brochure alone isn't likely to generate a lot of response for you. Here's a simple phrase to remember: The letter sells, the brochure tells.) |
