I often talk about starting over on my blog, through articles, and as the theme running through my fiction. It seems to be a universal theme - women today are often looking for information about it - wanting to start over. I've received many emails from women who feel that I'm talking to just them. I love that. It means I'm touching women with an important issue. Because I also believe it's an issue that needs more visibility. The TV show Starting Over is a huge start, but we need to keep the movement going, spread the message far and wide.

Too often in the media we get the message that, as women, we're doing everything wrong and life beyond 40 is hopeless. We read stories about how Hollywood actresses are not as appealing once they turn 40 - unless they get plastic surgery. We read stories about how women will be dumped for younger women when they turn 40 - unless they fix themselves. We read stories that women can't find love after 40 - unless they're struck by lightning. This is not the message women need to hear. Because it is not true. Not for real, authentic people.

"Where's the lie?" Starting Over life coach Iyanla asks the women telling their story when they first enter the Starting Over house when something smacks of dishonesty. Often the women show up wanting to start their life over thinking it's just a matter of learning how to drive, to start a new career, go back to college, or focus on some other external goal. When the discussion touches on deeper, more personal issues the women say, "Uh uh, I'm not going there." The more experienced women in the SO house smile. Because they know the key to starting over in that new life is doing exactly that - digging up old issues. Why? Because that's where the problem lies. That's the roadblock, the obstacle, the hurdle to living a real, meaningful, authentic new life.

Before you can truly start over, you need to heal. That requires analyzing your life, your history, figuring out what needs looking at. The most painful, the most dreaded, the one thing in your life you have avoided looking at until now is exactly what you need to face. When a woman is resistant in facing those issues, Rhonda pointedly asks them, "So, how's that workin for ya?" Most women have an "aha" moment, realizing that's exactly why their life isn't working. But for those women who refuse to face those issues, well, those are the women who don't start over. They can't. Not facing the truth hinders them. The dead giveaways: Unresolved anger, bitterness, resentment, edginess. Denial is not the answer but working through these feelings takes time.

Once you work on the internal you, then you're ready to focus on those external goals. If it's a job or a career that needs changing, you need to figure out where your gifts lie. That's where you'll find your purpose, your passion. And that'll tell you what steps you need to take to further your gifts. Do you need more education? Do you need a mentor? Training? Apprenticeship? Self-study? Your goals will give you the answer as to which path you should take.

But maybe it's a marriage that's unsalvageable. No matter whose fault you think that is, you both participated in it. And you need to analyze what went wrong, what part did you play, where you need to change, and what you might want in the future. Because, without that important step, marriage #1 turns into marriage #3 or #4 because you didn't take the time to do the internal work after marriage #1 and before marriage #2.

And, if you have children, please know that no matter how well they seem to be adjusting, it always affects them in a negative way. Even if you can't see it right then. It's just something you need to be aware of, to address, and to get the help your child needs because sometimes leaving is necessary.

The bottom line is, in order to live a fulfilled life, in order to really start over, you have to find your own self-worth. It's inside you. It's not "out there." Not in a man, not in a career, not in education, not in fame, not in fortune. It's in you.

For more information, please see my list of recommended reading on my web site.